A stay at home mom? Are you sure God?

First of all, I truly want to apologize for anyone who has kept looking for new posts over the last few months (I’m sure all two of you have). With God’s direction, I decided to take the summer off to truly be with my kids. I have worked their whole lives (granted that’s only 7 years for the oldest) but this was the first - and probably only - summer God enabled me to truly be with my kids 24/7.  Both of them!  All summer!  Yikes! I would lie if I said it was easy. After all, I have spent 36 years of my life going, going, going and juggling about 50 things along the way. Who else would physically build their first house themselves, get married, have a kid and take a promotion all in one year time? Yes, that was me and that’s the life I was use to. Staying home 24/7 just for me alone was going to be a challenge let alone with sprinkles of a super active boy and a very needy girl. Not including the fact that we now live on a shoe string budget. Go figure, of all summers! It became quite tricky and creative to keep their little bodies occupied. Not to forget what felt like the +40 days of miserable hot weather that kept us hostage indoors. I’m sure I failed miserable with them. However, I was obedient and finished the task. Not sure God will ask me to do that again but nevertheless, right?

I honestly do have a confession though and one that I hold dear to my heart and that is God has worked deeply in me.  Looking back at my life before S*A*H*P (stay at home parenting) I can see that I was stressed out, angry and very hard core. I had become someone I didn’t even recognize. I was calloused, repressed and irritated at the world. My temper was out of control. I angered easily. Not including the fact that I never really ever decompressed myself. I was always thinking about work and how I could better apply myself. I always felt I wanted more responsibility at work but yet no one would ever give me more?? However, that’s a different post all together. If it wasn’t work that consumed me it was how much housework I had to get done over the weekend, who I had to visit before Monday rolled around, and how irritated I was with my husband’s lack of whatever it was at the time. I was at peak performance 100% of the time with no end in site. Just a little over 2 years ago we sold our first house, moved in with my parents, my mom passed, started building a new house and became pregnant all about a 4 month span. I never really slowed down to deal with any of it. I just kept plowing through one thing after the other. I started having pains in my chest and even though my doctor would never say this, I know she thought “You have to stop!” Everything thankfully always checked out but I do believe it was God giving me warnings. Through the grace of God’s love he told me to slow down and rest. I was being laid off from my job and instead of hunting frantically like most normal people would, I didn’t. I knew way before then that the time was now that I change my life. I had made Jesus Lord of my life and new I had to do things differently. But rest? Really? Me? I asked him several times a day if he was sure he had the right person. I fought it for it a while (and even hid it from my hubby a few months) but eventually accepted and trusted His will for my life. Regardless of our financial situation, it has been the BEST decision of my life (apart from making him Lord of my life). During my times with the kids he allowed me to step out of my body and watch how I reacted, treated and related to them. I was able to watch their reactions in slow motion. I saw that they were treating each other how I treated them. It was hard to be a witness to all the anger, hostility and selfishness. Worst thing is, nothing about how I parented or how I loved my husband was Godly. I wasn't showing or teaching about God in any of it. I didn’t know how to talk about God. My attitude and actions was affecting my kids and my marriage very negatively. I was hanging on too tight to everything but Him. I refuse to look back in guilt because I am so thankful for who I am today. God has repaired my lost, hateful, and angry heart into one that is truly warm, loving, giving and desperate for Him. I now have patience. I now love whole heartedly. I now experience God moments with my kids several times a day. I now attempt to discipline them logically and Godly instead of yelling. I actually see their personalities and appreciate them. I love them and crave more time with them. I am so thankful that He took control.

What I realize most and have learned from God is that He really knew how to change me. He didn’t throw me into another job and say “Goodluck!” He took the only two things in my life that I cared for and protected the most and said, “I know how calloused you are and therefore I will teach you my way and not your ways and I know the only way to do that is through your most precious gifts, your children.” I am amazed at how my life has really grew over the last year, not just within me (again, a future post) but how he made it possible to take me out of my high paying career lifestyle to become a simple at home mom and wife (notice I didn’t say easier). My hubby and I are amazed each month at how we make it financially. I still don’t understand but I’m not wasting my time thinking about it. I trust in Him to provide as long as I stay obedient. Until He tells me otherwise, I will be here at home playing with, feeding, picking up after, disciplining, and cleaning after this Ernstes family.

A few versus that I’ve clung to which helped me trust and not worry are:
MAT 6:33 - “Seek first God’s kingdom and what God wants then all you other needs will be met as well.”

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

1 John 3:18 – “My children, we should love people not only with words and talk but by our action and true caring.”

I urge you that if you don't feel happy in life, if you are not satisfied with all the stuff you've accomplish, or if you are stressed out, angry and out of control ask Him to come into your life and save you.  Put him first, the Lord of your life, and he will show you a much better way to live.